Not Pecked

 Not Pecked

By Nancy Rehkugler

            I recently read an article about how supportive Elizabeth Warren’s husband has been of her career.  As a general rule, I do not read the Comments following any on-line article.  Rarely are they worthy of one’s time or attention.  However, I could not help but notice the very first comment located just at the end of the article.   It irked me deeply.

            The person commenting said of Warren’s husband,  Bruce Mann, that he was surely “henpecked”.   My visceral reaction caused me to examine the inherent meaning of that word.

            The word, when applied to a supportive husband, clearly implies that any man who is engaged in an equal partnership with his spouse is somehow ‘pecked’ into being less than a man.  In fact, the exact opposite is true.  A real man does not need to dominate, oppress,  belittle, or control the person he loves.  Rather, he encourages her, helps her, cheers for her, and enables and celebrates her success.   The word “henpecked” when used to describe a supportive husband has nothing to do with the husband, and everything to do with the person who uses the word.  Such a person is very insecure about his manhood.   Such a man can only affirm his manhood by belittling women and girls.

            Misogyny is a belief system that arises out of male-dominated societies.  Such societies always place women in a position of subordination.  Misogyny manifests in many ways in societies, and has been around for thousands of years.   From pornography to anorexia, to plastic surgery, to self-hatred, women have a long history of subjugation.   Every major religion has perpetrated some form of misogyny,  and every major philosopher and thinker from Aristotle to Nietzsche has considered women inferior.

            Misogynistic rhetoric on the internet has become increasingly vile.  It is always directed most viciously toward women in the public sphere.  Women who speak out,  who seek positions of leadership or power will inevitably be targeted.   And any husband of such a woman will be vilified as weak and unmanly.   The truth is that only a man who is completely secure and self-aware and successful in his own right would ever be able to partner with a woman of substance and significance.

            Whenever such a husband is called “henpecked,” be fully aware of the source and meaning of such a word.  It always comes from a position of powerlessness and impotence.

           

           

           

           

Election 2018

Election 2018

When I think of tomorrow’s election

And what our country needs,

I know I want to pray all day,

And spend it on my knees.

(Not sure though what the prayer should be.)

It’s not that I want my side to win;

(Though admittedly, I do);

Mostly, I want a better nation.

Where “other” is not one to fear.

In a world not run by hatred.

I want to be a more perfect nation,

Where rich and poor can live in peace

No matter the color of one’s skin,

Whatever language one happens to speak,

Or a person’s political persuasion.

I want to live in a safer country,

Where acts of violence don’t harm you

When you go to church or the store or the gym,

Where we look instead for common ground,

Rather than divide ourselves into us and them?

Now we are not what America should be.

May this nation endure, beyond this time,

More forgiving, and kind, 
Where all are truly equal and free.

By Nancy Rehkugler

Life Different Than Expected?

How Has Life turned out Differently than You Expected?

That is a tough question for me because I cannot recall or identify what  expectations I might have had for my life???   I know that I hoped that I would someday be married.  If married, I assumed that I would have children.   I did not have very many role models of professional women--- other than being a teacher, so I planned to be just that---an English teacher.   And so I was.  I taught both 11th grade and 9th grade for a number of years, but I was ill prepared, really, and very young and inexperienced.  Those were not my best years.

What I DO recall that I definitely did NOT expect to be is a minister, a pastor, or a clergy-person.   That is something that came much later.  Early in my life, there was not one thought in my mind of following that path.  Women were not yet even allowed in the pulpit, even if I had wanted to do that.

I did not relish many of the characteristics of being the "pastor's family", which came with ridiculous expectations, against which I rebelled.   I was supposed to be well dressed at all times.  I was supposed to be well behaved at all times, always thinking about the pastor's image.  We always had to worry about what other people were thinking.  I hated hated that!  I still hate that.

Since our lifestyle as pastor's family was supported by the financial gifts of others, we had to make sure that we did not buy a car, or clothes that were too fancy.  We could not leave the lights on all night and run up the electric bill.  We actually lived in someone else's house, even though that someone else was the church.

The pastor's family was at the mercy of the greater church as in the United Methodist Church,  pastors were "deployed", not unlike the military.  One did not get to choose when or where a move might take place.

By the time I was in my early 40's,  all that changed.  After experiencing a very profound experience of "being called",  I interpreted that to mean that I would be a local pastor,  which did not require moving, or many of the other expectations.  I did want to attend seminary, so I would be well educated,  but I never expected to be ordained, which I was eventually.

In time, I submitted to all of that,  although I always wanted to live in my own home, rather than the parsonage  (house owned by the church).   I never found that comfortable at any point in my ministry.  It was different when I was the minister,  and in some ways, much worse.  House maintenance was done by committee.  And the committee was not always agreeable.

But all of that aside,  I never expected to be considered an outstanding preacher,  a person who affected other people's lives.  I never imagined that I would be called "talented", or that I would be a key figure in the community.

 I never in a million years would have imagined how much I love preaching.   Actually,  that is something that has developed even more keenly in my retirement years.   I never expected that either!

This Week's Question--What Matters?

What things matter to you most in life?

I knew immediately how to answer this question.  Gerry said it is the most difficult one for him.   My answer has four parts.

Most important: 1. Family.  By that, I specifically mean my immediately family---my children and my husband matter the most.  As for my children, their well-being is what matters--both their physical and emotional/spiritual well being. I do not want any of them to suffer any great loss, of health, loved ones, life.  That would be beyond what I could bear.. I also want them to be functioning adults--with meaningful work and relationships of their own.
 My relationship with Gerry matters. It is filled with love and joy and integrity, and I want that to always be the case.  Whoever dies first, I hope it will come quickly, and not be a long, slow, decline!  That is too hard!

2.  Health.  I do not consider this entirely within my own power to control.  I can do my part, but I know that luck, genetics, the environment, many factors determine health.  But it matters significantly because being able to enjoy most other things in life are dependent upon it!   I hope to have good health for a long time more, and not to be a burden to anyone.  I do not think I would be a particularly agreeable dependent.

3.   Friends.  Friends are important at this stage of my life, although that has certainly not always been the case.  For the first four decades, I was focused on family, children, work.  Then, I married Gerry and we were quite focused on each other, family and work, and there was no time left over to nurture female friendships.   Only since my retirement have I made "nurturing friendships" a priority in my life.   As a clergy person, a pastor,  the relationship is so unique with parishioners,  that being "their friend" is not the way it usually goes.  It matters to me enormously to be able to say that I have a couple of good friends.

4.  Ministry Gifts.  Although I very much was ready to retire from full time ministry, I did still want to be able to somehow use the gifts that I have for ministry.  I did not know exactly how that would evolve,  but I am so very happy to say that it has.  I did interim ministry for a few years.  Then after that, I used my creative abilities to write and produce special events and program, and song lyrics.   Then finally,  I now have a regular preaching commitment, twice a month, and this matters so much to me.  It matters because I feel like I am using my spiritual gifts, and also, I am the experiencing total freedom and the greatest joy imaginable in doing so!