Its Complicated

I have read somewhere in the past the theory that we choose our mates because there is some healing that needs to take place, because we all bring varying degrees of woundedness to any relationship.

I do believe that most of that process gets done at some deep subconscious level, and that it is quite possible that one might not even know that is going on.  And it can take many years to understand the results, if one ever does.

Gerry and I fell in love long before we knew each others' personal stories. Who I am and who he is at the core got unveiled over time.

When Gerry and I married, at least I can say with certainty, that I never had any intention of having another child. (though maybe he had such a longing??)  But there is something about a happy and loving marriage  (at least in our case) that makes one want to reproduce.  And so we did just that.

I can now say that there were probably other things going on at a deeper level.

Gerry has often expressed that his ex was not the nurturing-doting motherly type. Certainly my ex was not at all emotionally engaged with his children.(and essentially disappeared from their lives)   That meant that neither of us had ever had the 'loving parent' experience from our spouses, for our children.

I could certainly not say that I chose Gerry because I thought he would be a good father.  I thought he would be a good husband, for sure, and a good helpmate and companion as I/we raised the children I already had. [His were already grown.].

When we had our own child,  I got to see what it was like for a child to have an involved, loving, patient, emotionally engaged father.  He got to see a gentle, compassionate and nurturing mother. That hole was filled in each of our hearts.

Life is complicated.  And at the heart of it, is a deep deep mystery.

Looking Back

Yesterday, I was searching my computer for a picture of our house.   There is quite a collection of photographs on the computer.  I still remember the days of photo albums!  Now we keep photos exclusively on the computer, though I still have some albums from daughter Joy's early years.

Needless to say, viewing old photos was quite a trip down memory lane.  I would say that as a rule, I don't spend a lot of time looking back.  I like to think that I'm not old enough to be at that stage yet.  I still like to think about the future, rather than the past.

But I ran across one particular photograph of me,  which sparked a lot of feelings.  For one thing, it was such a momentous occasion in life that it motivated me to have a professional photograph made of just me---something which I have not done since, with the exception of church directory photos. For another thing,  I was considerably younger than I am now.  Now I am older and wiser, unlike that younger person who was still innocent,  hopeful, eager and prepared.  Or so I thought.

I had already had years of experience of church as a pastor's family member, living in parsonages, with life revolving around church activities.

By then, I also had considerable experience as a layperson in the church, active and involved in every aspect of church committees and structure.   So how big a jump could it actually be to the next step, being a pastor?

Bigger than I ever could have imagined!  It involved a change in one's image of oneself.  It involved "taking thou authority."    It involved leadership and inspiring others; budget management and facilities,   conflict management, mentoring others,  being set apart, growing a congregation, managing a staff,  being accountable to a connectional system,  meeting diverse expectations of parishioners. (To name just some of it.)  Needless to say, it also meant going against the grain of the expectation of clergy being male.

I have not yet completely shed the pastor-identity, which takes a really long time to take on, internalize.   I am still accepting invitations to do pulpit supply.  Maybe that will come to an end one day, too.  It has been 26 years since that process of "pastor-becoming" started.  Overall, I do feel quite good about my ministry years.  I am confident they were "successful", though success in the church, in my mind, at least, is measured differently from success in the secular world.

I am confident of this much:   I did it with passion and integrity!  

Being Home

It seems to be typical that as people age, they become more attached to their "things",  or more specifically,  their home environments.  It is not really about the material possessions.  Rather it is more about a sense of being rooted, belonging, being part of the earth in this spot.

The young still want to see the world and conquer it. The older, having already done that to the extent they probably ever will, prefer to exert influence and care in the little corner of the world where they reside.

I do not feel defined by the things around me, but I do feel comforted, nurtured.  As the world becomes increasingly strange and unfamiliar, the familiar takes on a greater place of prominence in one's life. I still have not mastered my smart phone, but I know all the nooks and crannies of my kitchen!

When we bought this house eight years ago, we thought everything was perfect.  Still, we have made constant changes and upgrades since day one.  That is the way one makes it "home", by imprinting it with one's own style and energy and sweat.  When one buys a house in their retirement, one never knows how long you may get to live in it.  At the time, I said that I hope we get ten years!   And I do believe we will indeed get that!  And hopefully many more!

Last year we removed and replaced many of the shrubbery out front.  You get to the point when you do not want to stand on a ten foot ladder in order to trim a bush which has grown too large.  We greatly prefer the smaller shrubs and the openness.

The red maple trees have grown so much larger.  It is hard to remember how small they were in the beginning.   Like with your children!

2008 Early Spring

Late Summer 2015

My House to Yours

Today I am having my monthly lunch with daughter 'Eve'.  I always drive to the town where she lives, and we eat at a restaurant there.   I try to have lunch with all my daughters monthly,  but that doesn't work with all of them.  'Kay' for instance, has a relatively new job, which is incredibly demanding and busy, and she does not feel like she can go out to lunch. That has been very surprising to me, until I recently read an article that confirmed that today's workers usually bring their lunch and eat at their desks, or over a meeting.  The "hour off for lunch" no longer exists!

I do believe that I manage to see "Joy" about once a month, although she lives near NYC.  Either she makes the trip up here, or we make the trip down there.  "Lee" lives the closest, and we always have our monthly lunch in Ithaca, usually at the same place.

Today,  I am taking some of the produce that I have from my garden to share with "Eve".  I have a bumper crop of zucchini, for sure.  Earlier in the season, I would not have believed those plants would have survived, much less have such a hearty yield!

The basket that I am taking to "Eve" contains zucchini, cucumbers, beets, kale, homemade pickles and zucchini chocolate cupcakes, all from my garden or kitchen.

I am proud of myself, and do hope she is pleased!

I am sure she will be!