The Stone Rolled Away

 

A stone so mighty was perfectly shaped

To seal the Lord in a tomb

Down off the cross, in linen wrapped

His body in death’s cold tomb.

 

A stone so mighty was made

Making certain his body stayed

For the rumor they heard, before he died,

“He’ll rise and walk from his grave!”

 

A stone so mighty was cut

And rolled to shut life out

Soldiers were posted to guard the tomb

His power they did not doubt.

 

A stone so mighty was unable

To do what they had thought.

It couldn’t defeat the love of the Lord,

Or the Forgiveness the cross has brought!

 

 

 

Nancy Rehkugler 2023.  (Revised by)

I Have Arrived!

     Thanks to the pandemic of 2020,  I can honestly say that I have arrived.   Arrived at where I have wanted to be for so very long.  Reached long held goals.  The main motivating one:  

     I just want to feel comfortable in my body!   

    I want to be able to go to the store and find attractive clothes in my size.  For at least 25 years,  I have been shopping in the plus size department.  Those clothes are all shapeless,  like a box.

    Then came the pandemic.  Lock down.   At first, like many people,  I did a lot of comfort baking and munching, and then I discovered that I had actually gained weight in those first few weeks.   That was the last thing I wanted to happen.

    So I decided that I would go on a seriously calorie restricted diet.  Not any particular diet,  just eating as little as I could possibly stand in a day.  I did have a number in mind, and a size of clothing I hoped for,  although those were not really the point.  What I wanted even more was to be able to eat and not count calories;  to be able to have a stable weight without facing the daily shame of the scales!  

    I once had a friend who spent years with Over Eaters Anonymous, which ran their program exactly like Alcoholics Anonymous,  as if food were an addiction.  She would take her food scale to the restaurant and weigh every item to make sure she was within her limits.  In some ways, food may very well be an addiction.  However, what I saw her doing totally turned me off.  Needless to say, food is not the same as alcohol,  as it is necessary for life!

    The first ten pounds came off pretty easily.  After that, it was extremely slow and difficult.  When one has been a yo-yo dieter all their lives,  the metabolism gets messed up,  and losing weight becomes more challenging.  Also, it is harder as one ages.

    I discovered that I actually loved not having to go anywhere else to eat.   I could control what I cooked, prepared, purchased, kept in the house.  If there were no cookies in the house, I could not eat them.   In addition,  we could not eat in restaurants.  Even more important,  there were no Church Potluck Dinners!!  Those factors played heavily into my successful weight loss!

    Over the course of about a year and a half,  I lost approximately 35 pounds.   I never made it to the exact number I hoped for .   But I did get to the place where I could buy lovely clothes off the rack in the average American woman size,  not in the plus department!

    Somewhere along the way,  I discovered that I was really quite ambivalent about meat, so I decided to be a vegetarian.  I am not a religious vegetarian.  I am not a vegan.   I just don't have much of a desire for meat.   I find the possibilities of lovely, colorful, interesting, healthy food combinations using vegetables and carbs absolutely endless and enjoyable!  Thanks to Pinterest!

    My husband is a meat eater.  I prepare small portions of meat for his dinner,  for which he is grateful,  because he has multiple health issues, including heart and kidneys, so less red meat is exactly what he needs to be eating!

    I have formed new habits which I have maintained.   I buy and don't buy certain kinds of foods.

    It is now almost three years since I started on this journey.  A lot of things changed along the way.  For me, the really good news is that I have been able to maintain my weight within a five pound range,  without counting calories or following some rigid plan.  I eat whatever I want, in small amounts.

    Also,  I check in with the scales about every two weeks or so,  but no more daily scales which only served to give me low self esteem!  (which is a sad way to start the day!)

    As a very short person,  I have very short legs.   Those things impact the way I can sit comfortably.  In the end, it was not really about my weight or my size.

    The one thing that was not even on my list of goals,  which I enjoy most of all in the much smaller size that I am now is this:  I am able to sit comfortably with my legs crossed!!

What a surprise!

 

Bend

 

Around the Bend

 

 

The arc of life has taught me, time and time again

You never really know what’s just around the bend.

 

Once I could bend my body into a yoga pose;

Now it is more than I can do to even touch my toes.

 

The years fly by; so quickly spent;

Sometimes in sorrow, the Spirit Bent.

 

I used to bend to the will of others, thinking I had no choice;

But now in my senior years, I have found my voice!!

 

And what does my voice say, now that it’s my friend?

  ‘Bend toward your passion; that’s where you’ll be content.

 

Through songs and poetry, my Voice extends;

And as a poet, it’s mostly words I bend.

 

I bend more toward wisdom now , as I grow old;

Becoming a sage as I age, in touch with my old soul.

 

 

**

 

Submitted to Community Arts Challenge 2022

by Nancy Rehkugler

Theme:   Bend

Farewell

Farewell to Democracy,

Fascism now hailed!

Supreme Court of Injustice

has yet again failed.

  A political body--

now  insurmountable;

the ones at the top

still not accountable. 

How I wish I had more hope,

that our nation's end is far away.

"And crown thy good with brotherhood".

Certainly not today.

"Land of the noble free".

'My Country,

Tis of Thee.'

'sweet land of liberty.'

'Long may our land be bright'

Instead, have we sadly

breathed our last, 

lost the light?

Anticipating

       

    Today was the day we spent a great deal of time picking up all the leaves that have fallen in our yard.   It probably took nine or ten of the tall yard-waste paper bags to haul it all away to city yard waste dump.   We live in a development, and there is no place anywhere on our property that would work for dumping lots of leaves.  Pristine yards, bordered by more pristine yards. 

        I got to thinking about the process of my acquiring those leaf bags.  Seeing that our supply was getting low,  several months ago I went in search for some more to buy, knowing that fall would be coming.  I went to three stores in our small city.  No one had any.  At one place they said,  "they are seasonal".   I took that to mean,  they would be available in the fall when people needed to rake up their leaves.  So I waited until I thought they might be available and went to the store again.   I bought some while they were there.

       As we were driving to the city yard waste dump,   I started telling my husband how I was the "anticipator"....meaning as the family shopper,  I would always anticipate what our needs would be and make sure we had those items, before they were actually needed.     

    What I wanted him to know was that the paper bags, and many other things that appear do not just magically appear,  but they take awareness,  planning,  anticipation,  thought,  energy and effort.

       I don't really need any special credit,  because he did all the chopping with the lawn mower and filling the bags while I read my book.  I like being the shopper and the anticipator.  Every household needs an anticipator.  

     But I did think to myself:    Had he ever wondered how such necessary items just happen to magically appear?

Beauty and the Beast

     

        We have a new Hibiscus bush, planted this spring.  I've never had one before, and have been patiently waiting and hoping for blossoms before fall!    The first bloom I saw just took my breath away.  The blossoms are probably six inches across.   Now, I go out first thing in the morning to see the new blossoms,  which only last for a day.

        This morning I went out with my camera to take a picture of the two beautiful blossoms!  When I took the picture, I noticed something moving off to my right.   Lo and behold,  there was a snake.  It took me a moment to realize what I was seeing.  A snake was slithering along carrying a frog that surely seemed much too large for the snake to consume.

    The picture is not very clear,  but it dawned on me pretty quickly that I had just encountered the beauty and the beast!

    We have large hosta plants all around the house.  I've always been quite queasy about stepping onto or into one of those when I am tending other plants.   And the "beast" is exactly the reason why!  Yuk!!!

    

The Silos of Cortland County

 

The Silos of Cortland County

 

During the Pandemic isolation,

Just for somewhere to go,

He took pictures of silos;

He wanted me to know.

 

  He traveled all the county roads--

The ones that he could find

In search of the silo structures—

Back to another time.

 

Some came in ceramic tile,

Deep orange against the sky.

 They were often next to barns,

  abandoned bales of hay nearby.

 

Far out in the wilderness

A Harvestore stands alone

   monument to another time;

A lifestyle now long gone.

 

A rusted old tractor

Silent now, no more complaints

Stands guard at a wooden silo,

With its skeletal remains.

 

Beautiful scenes surround them,

Rolling hills; skies so blue;

  an occasional cow you may still see, 

Though only just a few.

 

Through the middle of one silo

a single tree makes its home.

The monuments still persist

though the farms themselves are gone.

 

Ivy climbs an abandoned silo,

Tendrils reaching for the sky.

The barns fall, the silos stand.

Ancient reminders of a time gone by.

 

 

By Nancy Rehkugler

 

 

Flowers and Politicians

     

    I spend a lot of time with my various flower gardens during the spring and summer months.   I love every stage of the flowers development,  from relishing the buds emerging from their winter's sleep,  all the way to removing all the dead flowers that are past their time.

     One thing is very clear to me when I tend my flowers.  When I remove the dead heads,  it allows for many newer blossoms to spring forth and come to life.

    Years ago, I remember that we were driving through national parks out west.  At the time,  there had been a number of wildfires that had swept through the area.   Yes, it had killed a lot of trees,  but enough time had passed so that a whole new generation of infant trees had emerged from the ground, now exposed to the light.   The older trees had kept the baby trees from being able to receive the sunlight they needed to grow and thrive.

    This year in particular, due to the way politics is going,  I would say that I can see a clear connection between gardening and politicians.   The old ones who have been there a really long time and are in their 80's or 90's really need to be removed to make room for new life, new ideas, new blood.

    I believe that could be as life-giving for our country as it is life-giving for my marigolds and daisies!  Those not removed use up all the nutrients and space that should be there for new flowers.  

    Perhaps the best solution is term limits!  I'm all for that!

    

   

After 21 Elementary Students Died Recently

Poetry Page

       Our local newspaper is looking for submissions of Poetry for the Poetry page.   I am very much a poet.   When I look at my poetry collection, as usual, there is not very much there appropriate for publication.  My poems tend to be either very spiritual/religious,  or else deeply personal.    Here is an example.  I am sure they would not want to publish it!!

                                                         Some Will Be Angels                                  

 

Some spirits will be angels, 

angels of assorted kinds.

I do wonder what spirits do,

when eternal life is on my mind.

 

There are surely angels 

of the guardian kind,

who keep us in line and keep us safe,

when we stray or veer away.

 

Some may be messengers, who deliver

a Word which the Lord sends

to direct our path

toward what God’s intends.

 

Some angels will be singers,

—praising God night and day.

(though there is no night there,

for the Light of Glory fills the place.)

 

In the world of the spirit,

I long to sing with the Heavenly Host.

(When I wonder what angels do, 

that’s the part I want the most.)

 

It is not a choir, I shouldn’t think,  

With auditions for alto or bass,

but chosen according to our love of God

and the steadiness of our faith.

 

Some will be companions, 

who guide us so we’re not alone;

they take us from death to life,

and keep us company as we go home.

 

Some will be angels who walk with us

through the valley of the shadow of death,--

sometimes sending us back, 

when our earthly end is not due yet.

 

Some angels are our loved ones

Whose presence we perceive.

 They wait for us in eternal life;

this I do believe.

                                                                        

 

                                                                                                By  Nancy Rehkugler 

 

 

 

No Escaping the Past

    

My husband and I have very different backgrounds.  But I never cease to be amazed at how each of our backgrounds impacted our lives.   The influence of our childhoods, though vastly different,  affected each of us in quite similar ways. 

    Gerry has often talked about how hard life on the farm really was.  He had to go to work in the fields early, and had little childhood.  Toys were pretty much non-existent.  Prices were unpredictable.  Weather was unpredictable.  There were good years and bad years.  There was little money.  The physical labor was grueling, and so on and so on.

    I have often said that the life of a preacher's family is no picnic.  There are endless expectations of one's presence,  one's behavior,  one's appearance, and so forth.  Always on display.  The pastor's wife is expected to participate in all church functions, as are all family members.  The pastor's children are expected to be perfect little angels,  much better behaved than other children their age.   (They rarely are.)

    So naturally, knowing how hard it was, Gerry did not pursue being a farmer when he grew up.  His path led him to the College of Agriculture,  where he ended up studying agricultural engineering and being a professor  and creating farm machinery.  Although he never again lived on a farm, clearly his farm background shaped his character and his career,.   So you could say, in a unique way,  the "apple doesn't fall far from the tree."    In this case, the apple is literal, since he grew up on an apple farm.

     As an adult, I did continue to be an active church member, wherever I happened to be, which was a great variety of different places. So in that way, I stayed connected to my roots.   I had several careers, which included being a teacher and a college administrator.  But in the end,  the church participation turned into a deep commitment, which in time resulted in a strong sense of calling to the ministry  which could not be denied.

    I grew up in the Deep South and had disavowed early on that specific expression of Christianity, which was steeped in racism, and also, sexism, I might add.  I remember vividly a seminary professor saying:  "Every generation will interpret the gospel for their own time."    

    Somehow, that was liberating and I knew that I would have my own personal way of doing just that,  based on my experience,  my education,  my time, place and gender.  And although it is vastly different from my parents' experience,  I believe that I am still being faithful to God and the Gospel.   

    So the bottom line is--although I retired years ago from my full time ministry---I continue to preach because it is basically who I am, what I do.

    Even though Gerry retired even more years ago than I,  every trip in the car involves commenting on the fields and the crops.  Every project of interest involves agriculture in one way or another.   Most recently he has created a photographic record of all the defunct silos in our county and is working on a presentation for the Living History Museum.

      I am currently involved in three different churches.  One we attend and serve on committees.  At another I have been a part-time pulpit supply preacher for the past five years. Recently,  I have added another congregation once a month.

    So my conclusion from all of this is that one is likely to recreate some version of one's childhood and family influences,  or, in other cases,  go completely the opposite direction into some areas that have no resemblance at all to who one used to be.

    Whether one's path turns out to be repeating or avoiding  their early influences,  there is simply no escaping the past.

    

An Interesting Perspective or Two

         I live in a hilly college town in Upstate NY.  Whenever I take the back way to downtown,  I can see off in the distance hills and buildings and lovely scenery.   For some reason,  I noticed a particular scene and saw it in a new light.   I was struck by the symbolism of what was in my view.

       Atop the crest of the hill are dormitories.  Dormitories are where young adults arrive to learn and grow and become someone new and different.  

      The hill in the distance slopes downward from the crest, and the entire sloping hillside is a cemetery.   I could see a broad swath of headstones just below the dormitories.   It struck me as an interesting metaphor.   

    A new stage of life begins in the dormitories.   Lives that are finished rest on the hillside.( I tend to believe there is also something new and exciting that follows--in the realm of spirit.)

      In a different way,  it reminded me of what I felt when I was recently "deadheading" last year's old dead remains from a flowering shrub.   I figured that since they were all done I could easily remove them, which I did.   Until I removed the dead flowers,  I had not been aware of all the buds bursting out of the stems, anxiously waiting to become this year's blooms! 

    The message and indeed the lesson for me in this is that in order to experience the new and lovely one has to let go of what is old and worn and no longer offering anything of beauty or use.

   This would also apply to businesses, governments, churches, schools, organizations, systems, computers and the like.

                                             For such is the nature of life on Earth.

    

    

Mute the Dogs!

       A few months ago, we got new neighbors.  Very quickly they built a tall wooden fence to provide an enclosed area for their three dogs.  It is not a very large area.   The dogs bark endlessly at all hours of the day and night.  They are just across our row of trees, next door.  The barking drives me crazy!

       As a retiree who spends a lot of time at home,  I am actually accustomed to quiet.  I do not turn the television on during the day.  I do not listen to the radio.  I simply work in a comfortable silence!  Or at least, I used to!

         This morning I decided that I had to do something!  The barking sound is so annoying.  I am not even sure they take the dogs inside during the cold winter nights.

         I remembered that our cable options include some music stations.   I found the right numbers to plug into the remote.  There are about 50 stations.   I have never really identified a genre of music that I would consider "my kind of music",   so I started exploring.  The first thing that came up was Classical (as in famous composers).  Definitely not for me.   I lasted about thirty seconds before I figured that out!

    Then there was pop,  rap,  jazz, and finally, then I found MY sound---classical country,  much to my surprise!   It is calm and comforting!   They are mostly old songs from the past, and somewhat familiar!  I should have know that I am a country girl!  (Because I am so NOT a city girl!)

    The challenge of the moment is,  I am not sure exactly what channel it is on! Don't know if I can easily find it again.   The number doesn't display anywhere are over 50 of them to go through!

                                                                                    

    

Goal Weight

     I didn't start out with this goal weight.   It evolved over time.  At first,  my goal was to lose the 10 pounds that I gained while baking during the spring 2020 covid lockdown.   I did manage to achieve that within a few months.

    I have had a lifetime of being overweight, starting probably when I was five or six.  I'm not sure that in 2020, after losing those first 10 pounds ,  that I expected much more than that initial loss.   But I discovered along the way, when Covid persisted, that it was a huge advantage not to "have to" go to any social events that required eating,  nor was going to restaurants much of a possibility for quite a while.

    So I too persisted in changing my eating to more healthy options while I continued to try to drop some more pounds.   It is an extremely slow process, being well over 70.   Then my goal became simply:   Before I leave this earth,  I want to feel comfortable in my body!!  

    That goal has been accomplished!  I wear the size clothes I never expected to wear again.  I can cross my legs with ease.   I am in no way skinny or thin,  but I no longer hate how I look when I see my reflection in a mirror.  So there have already been some major changes that are quite wonderful to experience!

    Since I changed to eating primarily fruits and vegetables, and since I watched a yucky documentary on the meat industry,  I thought it would not be a big leap for me to go vegetarian.  Not vegan, just vegetarian.   That was six months ago.  I do provide moderate sized meat servings for my husband,  but I stick with my vegetables, and love the challenges that brings.  I have to constantly add to my vegetable recipe repertoire so that I am not bored.   I am very fortunate that grocery shopping and cooking are among my favorite activities.  It also helps that I am retired!

    I did eventually set a goal weight, which would amount to a loss of forty pounds over almost two years.  I am four pounds away from that goal (and four months shy of two years).  I do hope, and am confident that I will achieve it eventually, although it is quite likely to take another six to eight months.  I have discovered that the more one cuts back on their food intake for weight loss,  the more one has to keep cutting back in order to maintain it!

    But even if I never do lose those last four pounds,  I have already changed my health dramatically,  changed my size considerably,  renewed my wardrobe,  changed my attitude toward my body,  found comfort in and appreciation for the body I do have.   All of those are changes that are just as valuable as any specific number on the scale.

  Besides, a number on a scale is a very fluid thing,  always subject to change! 

  Having more confidence,  liking myself more,  being very healthy,  feeling comfortable-- those are things that have already made my life so much better!

    I guess you could say this is a positive side-effect of the otherwise terrible miseries of a Pandemic!

Millie and Carl

 Millie and Carl

 

Millie is changing the wheel

on her mower

when I encounter her one day.

Around those tools and

tires and bolts,

she clearly knows her way!

 

I ask her to tell me about the farm,

if she would not mind;

It was clear that for quite a while

it has been in some decline.

 

Four silos no longer filled,

A barn with just one cow.

She still keeps the old place going,

though she is a widow now.

 

She and Carl bought that farm;

fifty-six years she’d endured.

They were young and optimistic then,

and would conquer the world for sure.

 

They could not have known the changes to come,

Plummeting prices, mounting debt

too much exasperation.

Carl said it was too hard a life

To pass to the next generation.

 

The children grew up to leave the farm

And created lives of their own.

The grandchildren still often come

so Millie doesn’t feel alone.

 

Eva milks the cow in the barn;

Carson loves the tractors too.

Maybe they will take the farm

And turn it into something new.

 

Successes, failures, memories and joys;

Millie had seen them all firsthand.

Mostly they have planted themselves

There in the barn, the house, and the land.

 

 

By Nancy and Gerry Rehkugler

For Showing Up

Thank you, beautiful blue morning glory for showing up!

     I initially planted my morning glory seeds in pots, thinking the seedings are fragile and I could protect them when they were young.   Then I moved the pots to the bottom of the front porch posts and tended them daily,  watering, feeding, caring for, until they lovingly wrapped themselves around not only the posts, but also the entire front porch, pretty much!

    Eventually,  the leaves began to die off,  and I looked at the pots, and much to my dismay discovered that they were completely potbound....no nutrients..no soil, only roots in the pot!   Then I thought maybe I could take them out of the pots and transplant them, which I knew would be very risky.   Once I broke the plastic pots away,  I realized that the rootball was well above ground level, so I could not put them in the hole in the ground I had dug for that purpose, because that would rip it all apart from the vine!   Then, I constructed an above the ground planting effort with lots of dirt, with potting soil, and with wood chips to cover the ugly above ground construction.    I actually did not have much hope of them surviving the week.

    But, miraculously, they did, and continued to grow and grow and grow.   However, there were no flowers.   Then I realized that morning glories prefer full sun, and these are in a shady area for most of the day!   So I had lots of lovely vines,  which I loved and enjoyed and continued to care for.

    I would check every day, looking and hoping for one little blue flower!  Since is is late September,  I know that frost is not too far away!  Will the frost come before I every see a morning glory flower?

    There were a couple of other before this one,  but this one is by far the proudest and loveliest,  and I touch it and thank it repeatedly, and say thank you for showing up!   This may be the last one,  so I am really appreciating it!

    It has been a long journey raising these glories!   I have loved them even when they were seedlings,  when they were potbound,  when they were just vines.   But I take it very personally that against all odds,  this one beautiful morning glory has come to celebrate with me before winter sets in!

Anniversary Homecoming

This blog is quite similar to the previous one, at least in that it is about seeing folks that we had not seen in many many years.   But the occasion and context is completely different.  

We recently celebrated our wedding anniversary,  and we decided that for the sake of nostalgia,  we would return to worship in the church where we were married 39 years ago.   I don't know that we have been back since,  primarily because I have almost always been occupied on Sundays in some ministry capacity.

So we returned to the scene of our wedding.  I know the pastor and we were delighted by the upbeat and excellent service, especially the uplifting music!

It was difficult to recognize some people, because everyone was wearing a mask, due to the pandemic.   The pastor, whom I actually know quite well,  did not recognize us with our masks.   But after church in the fellowship hall where people gathered to chat and connect,  it was clear that there were enduring relationships.

Richard, with whom I worked for many years is a member there and greeted us warmly.   There were others who knew one or the other of us for different reasons.  For Gerry,  there is a gentleman there who was actually his student many years ago!

I ended up having a long conversation with "Jodie".    As fate would have it,  many years ago,  while the pastor was away and I was filling the pulpit in his absence,  there was a terrible tragedy in the community.  A beloved coach,  father of three daughters,  a member of the church was killed in his own home by one of his daughter's boyfriends.   It was a terrible situation.  It is unimaginable how they all would have coped with that.  I know that the community itself had a hard time coping,  because your own home is a place where you expect to be safe and able to protect your family.

I was called to provide pastoral care and assistance in that situation.   Through that event,  I interacted with 'Jodie' and worked with her and her family, the funeral home, the hospital,  the school officials, and the pastor who was away,  to plan the event.     Due to the coach's position in the community and the nature of the tragedy,  the memorial service was held in the high school gym and attended by more than a thousand people.

"Jodie" filled me in on how her daughters are faring all these  twenty five years later.   I know that the trauma of what happened would have had a life-altering affect.  Two out of three of her daughters are doing okay.   Two were twins, one was much younger.    One of the twins is now a serious alcoholic living in a terrible situation.

Twenty five years were like nothing at all in connecting with 'Jodie'.   It was humbling to realize how such a memory will never go away,  and I am part of it!

Perhaps there are some for others, too!  Hopefully not many are as sad as that one was!

Visisting John

 A long-time friend and colleague, Richard with whom I once worked told me about John's diagnosis with colon cancer.    He said that in a recent Zoom meeting, John commented how much he would love to see me and Gerry.   Richard strongly encouraged us to visit John because he is on Hospice and may not be around for too long.  I could not envision how such a visit might go.

I once worked with John in admissions at the University.  I figured that it would have to be pre-1985 that I had worked with him, because after my last child was born,  I worked half-time in a different capacity and would not have worked with John after that.   That means that it might have been 38 years previously that I had last seen John, and then probably only briefly.   

I could not even imagine how he would even know who I/we are after that many years!  John also knew Gerry because John worked in Admissions in the College of Engineering, and I worked in Admissions at the College of Agriculture.  so the connections were there, but somewhat obscure.  In my mind,  there would not be anything to talk about.  I knew that I could ask him about his illness, and a few other conversational areas.

We finally found a time to visit.  It had to be outside,  due to John's illness and Covid. There was an opening in the weather that would finally permit an outside visit on his uncovered deck.  John was lively,  animated,  vivacious, and not at all what I expected of someone on Hospice!  And we had a lovely visit talking about things and people that the three of us had in common.   

I must admit that my own history of constant moving, for much of my life,  had not taught me the lesson I learned that day.   And that lesson is that it does not really matter if 30 or 50 years have passed,  people still have common ground,  memories,  stories to share.   John had never heard my stories of going into the ministry.  And that happened 32 years ago.

John had nearly died from the chemo and radiation treatments three years earlier.  They gave him months to live.  Three years have passed.  He manages,  though he has surely lost a lot of weight.

But I am grateful for having learned that the distance of years does not mean that a relationship of many years ago somehow completely vanishes, no matter how insignificant that relationship might have been.   People leave an impression,  a specific memory,  a lingering note of their presence.

That was a valuable lesson to learn.   One that I will remember hereafter.

Invisible Women

 I have just read an article in the Atlantic entitled The Invisibility of Older Women.  Mostly the article focuses on the way women are rendered invisible as they age.    The actress over 40 no longer gets plum roles.   The woman over 50 finds it difficult to get a job interview.    Women over 60 are diminished in value because they are beyond child bearing year,  and no longer the object of the male gaze.

Some women expressed a desire to walk down the street and just have their existence acknowledged.  This is not the same as the attention-getting a young woman might crave, in which the woman is more the object.   I am glad to be beyond the "object" stage of the female life.

I love this sentence by the author Akiko Busch:      "A subject is someone who experiences her own agency, who is aware of how she can and does have an impact on others, the author of her own life."

This is a stage of my life that I particularly relish.   I have agency.   I know who I am.   I have ability and competence.  I have creative power, speaking power, tenacity, intelligence.

And the really interesting thing is---there are often times when I choose to be invisible.   I do not really want to be seen.  I want to turn inward.  I don't want to want to be engaged with the world.

Certainly, I had many years of invisibility.   It was caused both by my culture,  and by my own lack of assertiveness.  In my first marriage,  I was completely invisible to the world, to my spouse, and most of all, to myself.  

 In my second marriage,  there have certainly been times when I have been known mostly by the name of my husband.   I would cringe when an envelope was addressed to:  Mrs. Gerald.   I detest that way of addressing a letter precisely because it makes me completely invisible, a footnote.  My spouse, on the other hand, would never consider me invisible.

In time,  I have become highly visible in my own right, primarily because I am capable, hard working, and creative.    Yet, still, I treasure my invisibility!

Now I am seventy five years old.   Only recently have I come to terms with my own body.  What I mean by that is I have recently chiseled out a body in which I am more comfortable.   It is easier to do physical activity, sit in a chair, walk two miles, play an hour of tennis, enjoy wearing nice clothes.

Visibility, like most things,  is a journey.  And sometimes even a choice!

My Birthday

    I am celebrating a very special birthday tomorrow.  Because it is an important milestone, my clever daughter cooked up a special birthday surprise.   She knew I would not really want a surprise party! 

  With help from Gerry they worked out this secret plan, where she put together a spread sheet, and he provided most of the names and addresses of my friends and loved ones.

    A couple of weeks ago, completely unknown to me,  she mailed to a group of people  (I do not know how many!!) a letter with postcards enclosed.  They were Postcards with my name and Happy Birthday, and the birthday number, with an address label and stamped.   Recipients only had to write a note and put it in the mailbox.   It read, 'share your Memories of Best Wishes.'   

   I then received in the mail the first four postcards.  They were from four different locations.  I could not for the life of me figure out how that had happened!  I was completely mystified.  I asked my daughter if she had a clue and she simply said:  "Keep checking your mailbox."  The postcards kept coming.  Many of them from a variety of places, and a broad spectrum of people,  though the majority were from people who know me because I served their churches as pastor in some capacity.

  The words and memories were overwhelmingly wonderful.  Such a joy to read.  If it had been an in-person party,  I would never have known what was in their minds and hearts.   But this offered a rare gift of hearing some of what people thought and felt.

   I will always keep the postcards, because they are so special!   If I  picked two words out of the many that the most people used to describe me,  what would they be?

 Most often, I was described as 

Creative and Kind!

    I'll take that gladly!!   I could not have picked two words that would have pleased me more!

    What a memorable birthday this is turning out to be.   And technically, it doesn't even arrive until tomorrow.